n-poledancer's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- planning Inadvertently it was our last day at the studio downtown yesterday. We were unaware as we expected to work there tomorrow and then move our machines this weekend. But thats how it worked out. I am very relieved to be out of there. It gets really stuffy in that warehouse and I often feel I cannot breathe well. Also I no longer have to endure the bad management. Once I have my machines back and am doing things on my turf - its my rules and my management skills/experience. Nice. Speaking of turf - we are setting up our workshop in my front yard this summer. I just purchased a canopy and we are laying a deck, all for less money than we would pay to rent someones garage for a mere month. A lot less actually. It will most likely be the one and only time in my life with an outdoor workshop! This is possible, and plausible, in Los Angeles in the summer time. Of course should it ever rain we are kinda screwed. There was a couple of occasions last summer where we had almost monsoonal rain. But Im crossing my fingers and buying a whole bunch of covers for the machines. They are simple in terms of mechanics so less fragile. P was here on mothers day and we made some plans: She is most likely moving into my house when I leave for OR. Im glad to know someone close to me will be enjoying it and I also feel its a bit of a safety net for me. I know if I had to come back for some reason I would be really bummed about giving up this amazing little bungalow. We also made plans for the actual move, the 800 something mile drive with a truck full of machines and furniture. She is going to come with and take turns driving with me and then I buy her a plane ticket home. Will be an adventure. I am relieved to have help for this. 2:08 p.m. - 2012-05-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Yes! Landed a new client today. Things looking up. 1:40 p.m. - 2012-05-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- something new Im not sure Ive ever felt this way before but its hard for me to get used to being single again. Its like I feel more normal attached. I gotta find a good project before we leave. I have an interview on Saturday. Work is a mess, boss is so disorganized and every day I come in determined to put in somewhere between 8-10 hrs but then something is missing so I cannot complete my task and I end up having to leave in 4-5 hrs. Not good at all. I was so annoyed today I wrote this long journal entry in my head but its gone now. I just opened a beer, put on some Bon Iver and its forgotten. At least thats a good sign. 6:56 p.m. - 2012-05-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now I am really afraid to jinx it by saying this out loud, but after going over finances yesterday it looks like we might be ready to buy a laser cutter within 2-3 weeks. Excited is not nearly powerful enough to describe my state of mind. Also seriously impatient. I have a huge pool of new products to launch that date as far as 2 years back. Its been incredibly frustrating to not be able to launch them. I have been looking at the job ads in OR. I think we might very well be able to stick to the plan of leaving in August but in case things are not going as well as I would like I think it might be a good idea to try to find something as a plan B. I need to do this, I need to go. I feel that I have had too much time and spent too much of my energy lately just sitting around thinking. I think its not good for me. I had such a great year, so many things were happening and then difficulties and less work and fewer exciting projects. It makes me a bit edgy and anxious and I tend to go inwards and overthink my life, my relationships, and get anxious over professional goals. I love life when things are happening. And a lot of things happened. Some of them turned sour very early. That is sad. But there is nothing to do but to ride it out, the sadness will end like anything else. The good part is that it made me really think about what it is that I want in my personal life, and it helped me make some decisions beyond my goal of leaving LA for OR. Going through this thought process I started thinking about the past. But its not possible to go back, only forward and if the past is an element then the past has to adapt to the now. The answer is in the now, being ok with how things are in this exact moment. Professionally and personally. Besides I am really not sure the past is thinking of me. On that note I just pulled out a cd of saved n-pole entries from 2002-2006. I have always saved all deleted entries and will put it all together on a disc some day. I wanted to know what date I started writing here. I did start with another diary and moved here after only a couple weeks. The old diary is deleted and gone. N-pole started on September 19, 2002. A week before my 30th birthday. I will be ending it exactly 10 years later. Hopefully I will write my last entry from OR. We will see. 10:42 a.m. - 2012-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- spring Im not sure if its the certain return of myself or the hope of it that is making me feel better. Im fairly sure it doesnt matter as it seems to deliver the same results. It feels like catching a glimpse of the sunlight after a long trek through underground tunnels. Before the end of this journal I will say that it was always a metaphor. Back when I used to train the dance it was all about personal challenge. Tapping into something primitive and unexplored. The truth is I was terrified of climbing that pole so therefore I had to do it. I wanted to master it because I had to face my fears, always on my own terms and for myself. Always by myself. Never upon anyone elses demand. That would have been self defeating and counter productive. I continue to climb but always different poles. I have so many fears to overcome. The biggest one of all is to stop confronting them. If I do I am no longer alive to the fullest meaning of that word. To submit to someone elses fear would be the ultimate downfall. 11:27 p.m. - 2012-03-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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