n-poledancer's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- covered old footprints A dream I dreamt this one night when I was around 11 or 12 years old: Justice It was for the best that I didn't realize at this very young age that this dream would come true. I was too preoccupied wondering why I was left alone and what the three gems stood for. If I tried to explain this dream to that child today I would say they possibly meant an education, a family, and the career I wanted. Maybe they were something else. I don't know, all I do know is that I didn't get to enjoy something that belonged to me. In this year, 2024, I have found justice. Something I intensely craved a very long time ago. My mistakes have been absolved. Yesterday I had to dig a bit into the past and look through emails I sent to institutions and people two decades ago. What I found surprised me: I tried hard enough I lost I feel free from this surreal type of house arrest, I cannot think of anything else to compare to the limitations I have lived with for an extremely long time. I didn't do anything wrong. I was a young woman doing my best. I don't have to forgive myself. There is nothing to forgive. I don't need to punish others. It's pointless. I always thought when I would write this chapter, I would call it "the reckoning". But that's not it. It is closer to peace, calm, and possibly even surrender. There is one more thing I am waiting for. The words "I shouldn't have left". I just need to hear them. I don't expect action to follow. I need to hear them because it's the truth. I know it's out there. I read it between the lines. I'm not holding my breath. I am content, at peace, and with plenty of happiness sprinkled in between. ............. What now This is the moment in the dream when I have reclaimed the jewels and the moment the dream ends. I feel the same, wondering what comes next. What will life be like once the skeleton has spoken and the priest has disappeared? I am still standing out here in the snow by myself, but older and aware enough to play in it while it lasts. 2:57 a.m. - 2024-11-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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